Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Top 10 Bears of 2013

If I had a dollar for every time someone discovered my blog and interpreted the name as "Beer Flavored," I would technically be making money off of my blog. You guys, you guys, you have it all wrong. This whole time, you thought I've been writing about beer? In fact, I rarely write about beer. This blog is about bears. You know, the animal.

Now, being the end of 2013, it is time to count down the Top 10 Bears of 2013. This is what a blog is supposed to do at the end of the year, and we just don't see enough bear-coverage out there, on the internet. You won't find any highly opinionated "Best New Beers" or viral memes or Top 10 Sports Goals here. At Bear Flavored, we aim to provide the bear minimum of quality bear news. Bears are not subjective.

Thank you for bearing with me this year. Let's begin.

Extra Bonus Bear Story: Sassy Journalists Cannot Find Real Bears for News Coverage 
Okay, so this story is actually from 2009, but I only found it in 2013. While it may be excluded from the rankings, it is no less crucial that the world witness this fart in the general direction of journalism. This may be tied with Twin Peaks as the strangest thing to have ever aired on American television. Get your chuckles in now, WJW Fox 8 Cleveland. You won't be laughing so hard when you go out to do your next faux bear coverage story and the real thing shows up holding a cardboard cutout of YOU.

These bears love to party, and also to have their backs scratched. Pretty typical bear stuff. Bears are much more chill and less ironic than us humans.

9. Bear Climbs Tree Just to Politely Say Hi 
Bears must think we humans are pretty rude. We're always screaming and running away when they just want to say hi or maybe play a quick game of Cards Against Humanity. Or even more rude, we'll lay down and pretend to be asleep, and the bear is all like "Wow, guy, I know you aren't asleep, I literally just saw you staring at me a minute ago. Whatever, I'll go play with the fox." So, bears are maybe a little frustrated with our social stigmas against them sometimes, but they don't let it get them down. This friendly bear was still polite enough to take the time to climb up a tree and say just say "Hey" to this hunter. However, when he noticed that the hunter was recording video in vertical orientation, he realized he was dealing with a chump and peaced out.

On one hand, it kind of seems wrong when bears have to take their natural charisma and skill and pander to humans for a job. But another way of looking at it is that times are tough, the Russian economy is a little dicey, and many of their fellow bears are working night shifts at restaurants as maintenance workers. And there's no denying that this bear has more raw talent than most humans, and is a better actor than many celebrities. I suppose we cannot begrudge any bear for wanting to be a YouTube star when so much attention is instead paid toward boring humans.

7. Bear is Good at Tetherball
I am pretty sure most humans are not this good at tetherball. This bear has very good reaction times and really just understands intuitively what direction that ball has to go in. I also feel like if you are able to have clean simple fun like this bear is having, you are basically a pretty okay guy.

6. Bear Decides Not To Steal Truck Because Most Bears Are Thoughtful and Good, Ultimately
Other news sites spent most of their analysis on this fun little video acting surprised that a bear would be able to open car doors. Of course bears can open car doors, or truck doors, or any kind of door. Doors are not what's stopping bears from destroying us, certainly. I hope that is extremely clear. We are here at the discretion of bears, doors or no. However this story does emphasize an important point, which is that bears are, for the most part, good-natured folk. This is the reason they let us have our space and our doors (for now.) However, this bear was in a bit of a spot, and really needed a ride to work. He thought for a moment about borrowing this truck, which was, if you think about it, just sitting there. He decided not to, in the end. He also decided not to shut the car doors after himself, because bears will sometimes be a little bit of a dick, just so we remember what's up.

5. Reporter Saves the World From Future Bear Attacks 
Clearly inspired by the Fox 8 Cleveland style of journalism, reporter Julie Tremmel of NBC affiliate WJAR is either trying to have some fun with her viewers, or like those Fox 8 guys, giving them a big, condescending middle finger. Take note, everyone: sarcastic bear-safety PSAs are the hottest new genre in broadcast journalism. Unfortunately, it is unclear which bear Julie was inspired by. I like to envision her reaction here paired next to the video of our bear friend playing tetherball.

4. Bear Steals (Or Borrows?) Dumpsters [Click for Video]
It may be tempting to think: "Check it out, this bear thinks he found a large basket of food to steal." Indeed, if you were a bear, and someone left you a basket of food, wouldn't you be like "Hey, guy, thanks!" But personally I feel maybe we are being a little biased and not giving the bear the benefit of the doubt in this situation. It is entirely possible that the bear — likely a night-shift maintenance worker for another Colorado Springs business — simply showed up to the wrong back alley for work. Let's face it, dumpsters all kind of look the same, you know? I bet if they kept the camera rolling around 24 hours, the footage would show the bear putting the dumpsters back.

3. Secret Yeti Bears In the Himalayas
Every scientist should please drop whatever they are doing right now and head to the Himalayas, because there might be some sweet new bears there. Science dudes such as Bryan Sykes, a geneticist at Oxford University, think that perhaps the Abominable Snowman might just have been mistaken for these sweet new bears all along, because they're mysterious ancient hybrid unknown bear species, or something. Given that we've seen how smart and talented bears are, it's not surprising someone would mistake them for a big furry humanoid. These sweet new Himalayan bears probably just use doors a lot, or enjoy tether iceball.

The important thing is that these sweet new bears are still out there, waiting to play Cards Against Humanity with someone new, because it gets boring playing with the same few bears all the time. "I can't imagine we managed to get samples from the only two 'snow bears' in the Himalayas. The next thing is [to] go there and find one," Sykes told the Associated Press. He's okay, in my book.

2. Blogger to Live Off of Fermented Food For One Year; Enjoys Bears
I don't know, this news story is just crazy enough to be true, right? Of course there would be some bear enthusiast involved. Lunatics.

1. 80 Year-Old Russian Shepherd Knifefights Bear; Is Thrown Off Cliff; Enjoys Pie
In a certain kingdom, in a certain land, there lived an Octogenarian shepherd named Yusuf. While resting in a raspberry field, a bear spotted Yusuf and approached him. Yusuf brought out his raspberry-picking knife to show off, but the bear did not understand why the man would seem to threaten him so, and a disagreement arose. Very soon the two came to blows, but poor Yusuf quickly learned why you never bring a knife to a bearfight. As the animal disarmed him, he returned with a series of headbutts and kicks, which only angered the hungry bear. And so, the bear pushed old Yusuf off a cliff. Thinking the man dead, the bear wandered away to eat berries and trade riddles with his nemesis, the fox.

Old Yusuf the shepherd shrugged off his wounds and returned home, where his delighted family baked three traditional pies in celebration of his survival. You may think this an unlikely tell, but I swear it is all true. I was there and drank beer; it ran down my mustache but did not go into my mouth.

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